Here I am, halfway through my twenties.
You’d think at this point in my life, I’d have my act together, right? Wrong. I’m married, I’m a student, I’m a low salary worker, and sometimes, one hot mess. It probably doesn’t help that I am an anxious individual who worries too much.
Let me explain my little identity crisis for you. Some days, I don’t want to grow up. There, I said it. I want to stay young and carefree. I want to continue life as a little family of two being able to do whatever we want, whenever we want, and wherever we want. I want to be able to go on adventures, travel at ease, go to happy hour whenever we feel like it, shop for fun, and enjoy quiet evenings just me and the hubby. Other days, I start daydreaming about expanding our little family and becoming a mother. I am going to admit something here. Being a mother terrifies me to the very core. It means letting go of whatever immaturity I have left and taking on this huge responsibility. It terrifies me but excites me. Of late, I often daydream about being a family of three and what fun it would be to have a child to love. A child would change everything. Everything we like doing and the adventures we dream of going on would now involve a child. The point is, once a child is involved in our lives, life will revolve around that child. Am I ready for that? I should be. But like I said, it terrifies me. I envy the women that are so excited and so eager to become mothers. It appears so natural for some women and yet, here I am, wondering if I am ready for it, wondering if my husband is ready for it. Coming from a large family of nine, I am aunt to many nieces and nephews. I love my nieces and nephews and I grew up babysitting the oldest ones. You’d think that from experience of being around children, I would naturally be ready to follow in my sisters footsteps. That doesn’t appear to be the case. Baby fever comes and goes. I get excited before the reality of the idea kicks me into full blown panic mode. Maybe this is natural? I don’t know. One thing I do know, is that the problem isn’t that I don’t think I can be a good mother. I know that I will be an excellent mother. I am sure of that. The problem here is, that I am scared of letting go of the life I have now.
I say here, that I don’t want to grow up, that I don’t want to let go of the life I have now. In reality, life naturally pushes you to grow up. I mean, you graduate high school, get a full-time job and typically move out of your parents house. Some go to college, some don’t. Me? I moved out at 19, back in later that year, moved out again at 20, and back home later THAT year. I spent a couple semesters at college, completing random courses for no specific degree during that time. I moved from the nest for good at age 21. I feel like kids stick around later and later this day and age. Anyway, I moved in with my then-boyfriend-now-husband. I got a full-time job in the city, started part-time college courses again, and eventually married. I quit smoking (HUGE accomplishment for me), drank a little less, and here I am, still in an identity crisis. I am torn between letting go and moving on. It’s basically all about needing to face reality, accepting all my responsibilities, and facing what life has to offer.
If the good Lord does bless us with children, then I have no choice. I will be ready, I will move on, and I will face that new chapter of my life. Until then, I’ll probably continue bouncing between the two worlds, fighting my way through college, enjoying life with the hubby, and finishing this current chapter of my 20-something life.
Cheers to growing up!